Confession: Days Like Today

When it comes to my daily, spiritual life, sometimes I feel so on-fire, encouraged, challenged, excited...and sometimes I just don't. Today has been mostly one of those days where I don't feel any of those things. Today I see the worst in me, and I mean the worst. Confession: I can be short tempered. Sometimes, it only takes minuscule annoyances that seem so much worse in the moment and that set me off into a stressed out wreck of frustration and anger. I become sour and sarcastic. I huff and glare. My body language sends one message: Watch out. Whether it's the refrigerator door that doesn't close all the way, the toy I step on with my bare feet, or the lamp cord in my path while vacuuming, my wrath is released. I slam the door, I throw the toy, I want to throw the lamp out the window but thankfully don't...it's embarrassing and petty and childish. I know it's bad when my husband can't even be around me while I'm in an angry mood. Lucky for him, he can leave. Ha, if only it were that easy for me. 

It's a struggle I have always had and I really don't like it about myself. I want to be patient, kind, self-controlled, and slow to anger. I pray daily for Gods grace and for the Holy Spirit to work in me and give me whatever is necessary for that change to happen. As much as I wish it could happen with the snapping of fingers, I'm beginning to catch on that that isn't how things work. I need to work at it (while relying on the grace of God). Of course, I've been working on it for years now, but I can't let that keep me from pressing on. A quick-fix-it kind of solution wouldn't produce in me what God wants to produce in me. I need endurance. 

"Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us."

~Romans 5:3-5~

"You need endurance to do the will of God and receive what he has promised."

~Hebrews 10:36~

"For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, virtue with knowledge, knowledge with self-control, self-control with endurance, endurance with devotion, devotion with mutual affection, mutual affection with love. If these are yours and increase in abundance, they will keep you from being idle or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."

~2 Peter 1:6-8~

It's so hard, but it's meant to be. I can so easily get frustrated at myself for becoming so easily frustrated at everything else, but I must keep on. It's tempting and easier to allow myself to get down and more upset and begin hating myself, but those thoughts are not of God. I must deny my ugly, short-fused, irritable self and replace it with patience, self-control, and love. It takes practice and a lot of it at that. Thankfully, I seem to have plenty of opportunity to practice it, especially on days like today.

Lord, have mercy.