It's been a while since I've written here. So much has been going on, and while I've so often yearned to write and jot down learnings, thoughts, and memories, time and happenings haven't allowed for much of it lately.
Amaryn was born in September. Jason got a job at a local community college. He found out in December and started in January. We traveled to California to visit family for Christmas. Jason coached middle school basketball and made it to the semi-finals. I worked as a very part time hostess for three months in the middle of everything else. And now Jason is working hard finishing up his dissertation to (hopefully) graduate in May. He loves his new job, and truly it is a perfect fit for him and our family.
Then, kind of, sort of, out of the blue, we stumbled upon a house and we fell in love. A master bath, a deck over-looking a gorgeous large yard with a huge garden, a fire pit, and a small barn, two apple trees in the front yard, a beautiful kitchen with a breakfast nook, a nice location, and room to grow - what isn't there to like? The past three weeks we've been in the process of purchasing that house, kind of on a whim, kind of perfectly all falling into place. We finally signed the contract and everything was looking good as gold, and then we got a call this evening stating that the loan approval in fact isn't looking very promising. We don't know what will happen yet, but it got me thinking.
We went to stations of the cross tonight at the local parish. As I considered everything going on in light of Jesus and His sufferings, death, and resurrection, whether or not we get this house, I realize it just isn't as big of a deal as it so easily can seem like in our minds. There have been days of much anxiety as I pondered not getting the house and feeling like it was just too good a fit for our family to pass up. I felt like we had to get into that home. But as a Christian, this kind of thinking is very much contrary to what we should be feeling. You see, house or no house, it shouldn't affect my worship. It shouldn't affect my gratitude, affection, trust, hope, and joy in Christ. If it has that kind of impact on me, than I simply am not rooted in the truth and freedom of Jesus. I am not in control, and if I claim to trust in Him but show nothing of that trust in my actions or thoughts, than what does it matter? It means nothing if I don't show in my actions what I say with my mouth. I pray for His Will be done. Then why is it still my will that I try and impose on Him? Oh how backwards and unfaithful I can be sometimes.
It goes much further than that though. This home isn't my permanent home. It is a temporary place where permanent decisions are made, so while what happens here counts, the things that count are often not what we think. If this house or any other thing in my life is causing me to lose focus on what really matters in this life, then I need to do what it takes to refocus. You see, it isn't the house that matters, even if us living in that house is in line with God will for us, He cares much more about our souls. He cares much more about our daily commitment in putting HIM first in our lives, and OTHERS second, and ourselves last. He cares that we trust Him no matter what circumstances we are going through, whether they are good or bad. His blessings sometimes do fall on us in forms of a nice house, a great job, financial gain, and the like, but true blessing is found in the things that last. The things we can take with us after this life. Those are the blessings and graces we should be praying for and excited about. Often those blessings are found in the sacrifices and sufferings of this life. They are blessings in disguise, but their treasure is far more precious than any materialistic thing we could possess in this life.
I do hope to have a house one day. I hope that this house still works out. But it shouldn't be my focus. I can certainly be happy about it if it works out, but regardless, PRAISE GOD! He is SO GOOD and SO WORTHY to receive ALL of our worship. If we get the house, praise God! If we don't get the house, praise God! Whatever we do, praise God! He deserves all praise, all glory, all good. He is our Creator and Savior, it is the least we can do.