Freedom from Beauty: Day 1

This post is the first of many where I will share my 4 week journey into the realm of modesty, simplicity, and without make-up. I'm going to fast, if you will, from adorning and perfecting my outward appearance and focus solely on beauty on the inside. On this journey, my prayer is that God would reveal to me His will in three primary areas:

1. That I will gain freedom from the somewhat obsessive need to be and feel beautiful.
2. That God would reveal to me what true modesty and beauty is in His eyes. 
3. That I would learn what kind of role fashion and beauty should have in my daily life.

So, I will be giving up all make-up and not wearing anything tight, potentially revealing, or anything that draws attention to my body as well as not focusing on fashion, but instead being simple in my attire. Let me share a little background story as to what lead to this inevitable decision, albeit a bit of a drastic one (for me anyway).

It's been a long time in the coming. Years, really, but culminating these past couple of months. Two specific events recently had a lot of impact on this final decision, so I'll just share those. 

• It was the first week of the RCIA program at the Catholic Church, and I had just gotten some new heeled booties which I naturally was excited to wear. I wore them with tights, shorts, and long sleeve shirt with scarf. I asked my husband, Jason, if the outfit was modest enough since he has a great conscience regarding modesty and materialism in general. He has no fashion sense, and I'm realizing that's kind of a good thing. He approved my outfit, although a little apprehensively as he didn't understand why the tights with the shorts during winter. The shorts are long enough though so it passed his approval. Before going out the door to church, I grabbed my black trench coat that extends right above the knee (but past my shorts). When my husband saw it, he wasn't too happy. He argued it looked too risque with black tights, boots, and a coat. He couldn't tell if I was wearing anything underneath the coat since it was longer than my shorts, and that it brings the wrong kind of attention. While style and fashion aren't his forté, he tried to persuade me to ponder why certain things are "in style" and fashionable. Why is much of the modern clothing for women and girls tight, form fitting, low cut, and the like? So, that being said, the message that day in church was about Mark 10:17-29. A rich man who diligently followed the law and teachings of God came to Jesus and asked what he must do to inherit the Kingdom of God. Jesus, seeing his heart, told him to sell everything he had and follow Jesus. It said the man walked away sad, because he had great possessions and couldn't do it. They were more valuable to him than God. The message spoke to me, and I wondered what might God be asking me to give up to follow Him more fully. I knew that the thought of modesty was and is difficult for me because in my eyes, what I was wearing was fine. It was within my guidelines of modesty and I loved the outfit. I wanted to wear it, even though my husband didn't like it. He felt it drew negative attention to myself, and that at church in the very least I shouldn't be drawing attention to myself which might distract some people from God. I didn't think too much into it for fear of what God might be trying to tell me through it.
• My husband has two sisters, one is 11 and the other just turned 14. I consider them both sisters and friends and deeply care for them. The oldest has recently been seeking my advice in some fairly difficult and complex issues of faith and life, and it's challenging me as well as I delve into the answers. Last night, on her birthday, she asked me if I think waxing eyebrows is vain. I was taken aback a little, because of all the issues of vanity that she could ask, it has to be about the eyebrows. I'm an eyebrow fanatic and I'm extremely self conscious about my own. They are too light. So, I've been darkening them for about 13 years now and have only gone out in public without first doing so once or twice during that time. Sad, I know. For her birthday, with permission from her mother, I gave her some mascara she had been wanting, two cases of eye shadow, and a small makeup bag. She wanted me to do her makeup with her new gifts and I was excited to bond with her in this way. For fun, I gave her a dark, smokey eye. Needless to say, the look may have been a little mature for her and her mother was not too happy about it. I found myself feeling defensive, frustrated and spiritually attacked that evening. Truth be told, I didn't see the issue with the make-up. My dear husband once again tried to persuade me to ponder why women wear make-up. It's unnatural and is rooted in discontentment. It's a difficult fact to accept and is challenging to say the least. Make-up in and of itself isn't evil, but the heart of the matter might very well be.

So, as mentioned above, I felt very spiritually attacked last night. I wanted to give up. I didn't want to go to church anymore, I didn't want to interact with my husbands family anymore and I didn't want to be a role model to his sisters for fear of failing. I questioned Gods judgement in giving me a daughter, who am I to teach her godliness and Christian character? I felt defensive, but deep down knew that it was rooted in pride. There are many times in my past when I've felt similar emotions and sadly reacted to them in a negative way by withdrawing from God and those that I love to continue in my own selfish way. To wear what I want to wear and act how I want to act and be who I want to be. It was all about me. Well, thankfully last night I decided that through Christ He has given us freedom and power to fight the enemy's attacks. So I am fighting back. My counter attack is to not give in to those temptations to give up and continue in my ways, but to give all to Christ. To die to myself and, in prayer, devotion, and fasting, take up my cross and follow Him. It isn't easy, but it's not supposed to be. Do you think it was easy for Christ to submit to His Father and die, though undeserving in every way? If He could do that, I can certainly do this, which is nothing in comparison.   

Day 1: Today was my first day in this almost 4 week journey (for the season of advent-a time of preparing ourselves for the coming of Christ). I cried. It was so hard to leave my house without make up on (especially my dearly loved darkened eyebrows) and my clothes were, to be honest, kind of butt ugly. Maybe something akin to what my grandmother would have worn. I'm beginning this journey with the expectation that God will reveal things to me that would have been too difficult for me to see while in bondage under those comforts of make-up and cute clothes. Today I've learned two things:

1. Knowing and acting upon what you know are two different things. I knew that both make-up and clothing were materialistic and not what really matters in life by a long shot, but giving it up entirely has turned out to be so painful it made me cry. So, my actions tell me that it held more importance to me than what my knowledge and words would have admitted.
2. It requires me to rely on Gods strength. I wouldn't be able to give up beauty, something so important in worldly standards, if it wasn't for God and realizing that in Him alone is worth found. Not in work, beauty, relationships, money, health, etc. Only in God. This is a challenge to make sure my priorities are His priorities. 

This is just the beginning. I'm excited to learn what else God will teach me about Himself, why He created me, and what He can do through me as I submit and give Him authority over this area of true beauty and modesty. I don't want to be a slave to materialism and false gods. I only want to serve Him, and if that's truly the case, then I should be willing to give up anything and everything He may ask of me.