The Daily Struggle

"You sure have your hands full!"
"You must be very busy!"
"How do you do it?!"
"Are they ALL yours?!"

Being a family with 4 young children I get these remarks and questions more and more. I don't mind at all, and there's some truth in those statements! My daily tasks are growing, our house and time is full, and that's good! Yet, it is also true that within those wonderful, full, busy days there is struggle. Struggle to do my job well, to love my kids well, and to teach my kids to do likewise. Struggle to give up my desires and wishes and welcome Gods plan for my life. Struggle to put others before myself.

So herein lies the real question: Is struggle bad? NO! No, no, no! Without struggle and sacrifice, good cannot be accomplished. Look at the cross...Jesus took on suffering and sacrifice and even death to bring about life. He knew it was worth every bit of struggle...WE were worth His sacrifice. He did it out of love for us.

And so we are to do the same. Welcome the struggles. Don't take the easy road, laden with comfort and pleasures. Those things pass. Ask God for the strength to walk His path so we that may know Him better and become like Him, all for His glory.

For it is on this journey where growth takes place. Growth isn't easy, but it is through our daily struggles and sacrifices that virtue is to be cultivated. Just as with a garden, the seeds will not grow into a fruitful plant in a moment, but over the course of time, and with much care and attention given to it's growth. So it is with our lives: Patience, love, endurance, courage, temperance, humility...these virtues aren't produced over night. They take much time, struggle, and sacrifice to become a part of our lives. Yet, we are given much opportunity to practice and develop these virtues, and the opportunities are usually within our daily struggles and tasks! Simple opportunities like when your plans get changed unexpectedly for the worse and not complaining about it, or giving someone the last piece of chocolate you'd been thinking about all day, or choosing to do a kind deed to someone who's been irritating you. There are endless opportunities!

We must not give up but continue on and doing so all for love of Jesus, because where there is love, the burden becomes light, the task easy.

"Our lives for the most part are made up of little things, and by these our character is to be tested...little duties carefully discharged; little temptations earnestly resisted with the strength God supplies; little sins crucified; these all together help to form that character which is to be described not as popular or glamorous, but as moral and noble."
~ Fulton J. Sheen

 Jesus, help me to bear patiently the trials of my daily life. Teach me to make use of the trials, the sufferings, the humiliations, that come my way, to learn to know myself better and to love God more. Amen.

Spiritual Growth

"Many beginners, delighting in the sweetness and joy of their spiritual occupations, strive after spiritual sweetness rather than after purity and discretion, which is that which God regards and accepts in the whole course of the spiritual way. For this reason, over and above their imperfection in seeking after sweetness in devotion, that spirit of gluttony, which has taken possession of them, forces them to overstep the limits of moderation, within which virtue is acquired and consists. . . Inasmuch then as all extremes are vicious, and as in this course of conduct men follow their own will, the consequences are that they grow in vice and not in virtue; at least they minister to their spiritual gluttony and pride, for they do not walk in the way of obedience." 

-St. John of the Cross in Dark Night of the Soul, pg. 26

I know that is a long excerpt, but it sadly is the reality in which many Christians live out their Christian faith today. There remains in them a desire for only that which is easy and pleasing, and thus they cease to grow in the spiritual life. This is also explained in Hebrews:

"Although you should be teachers by this time, you need to have someone teach you again the basic elements of the utterances of God. You need milk, [and] not solid food. About this we have much to say, and it is difficult to explain, for you have become sluggish in hearing. Although you should be teachers by this time, you need to have someone teach you again the basic elements of the utterances of God. You need milk, [and] not solid food. Everyone who lives on milk lacks experience of the word of righteousness, for he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those whose faculties are trained by practice to discern good and evil." 

Hebrews 5:11-14

It begs us to ask the question, is our love for God really pure when we only love with the expectation of receiving something in return (namely consolations and spiritual highs) and which requires nothing of ourselves to give in return?

Lord, help us to love you more each day and to strive for a love that is as pure and holy as You. Amen.

To Be A Better Mom...

A popular topic of conversation among myself and my friends whom are usually also mothers is the subject of parenting. Parenting includes a plethora of subject matter, from discipline to play time activities, to sleeping habits, to forming their character, and the list goes on. One thing I did not expect as a new mother was the vast array of opinions on parenting methods. Everyone seemed to have a certain way of doing things and many believed it was the only way of doing things. Or at least that was my impression as a new mom. I've since learned most moms don't actually feel this way and many struggle, like myself, with feeling like they are not a good enough parent and that the job seems at times to be impossible.

I have a lot of growth to do in order to become a better mom. I am not perfect and I have identified many areas in my own parenting style which need special attention in order to become the mom I want and hope to one day be. I've learned there really is no magic formula in parenting because every parent is unique and every child is unique. However, I have found one key in helping me to become a better mom and that helps develop better children. 

To be a better mom we must be the person we want our children to be. Do I want my kids to be more patient? Then I must be more patient. Do I want them to be better listeners? Then I must listen to them and give them my full attention. Do I want them to be less whiny? Then I must whine less and glorify God more in my words and actions. Do I want them to love others and serve in their community? Then so must I. 

Our children are going to learn the most from watching us. They will respond to life's challenges like we respond. They will interact like we interact. They will love like we love. They will also argue like we argue, whine like we whine, judge like we judge, hate like we hate. We are not perfect, nor are they. As much as they need our discipline, we must discipline ourselves to become more Christ-like as well. We must deny ourselves and become truly selfless in the giving of ourselves to God and others. Lastly, we must draw ever closer to Our Lord, for only by the strength and grace He provides can we hope to be the moms, and people, He asks us to be.

Complete Abandon

This coming Easter I will celebrate two wonderful years since becoming a Catholic. My sponsor/godmother/dear friend told me that she would like to pay my way for me to go on a Catholic woman's retreat as a gift. The next retreat was the following September and was the exact weekend of my due date with Amaryn. It wasn't yet meant to be. Of course, the two scheduled retreats after that weren't meant to be either because of nursing and babyhood. These retreats are four days and three nights long, so not exactly mommy-to-a-nursing-baby friendly. 

I realized a couple of months ago that the upcoming retreat in March may actually work out for me to attend. It's not on my due date for starters (I'll be about 7 months along), I'm not nursing a baby and both girls can go without me for a few days, plus it's during Jason's Spring Break which is perfect. I know that very soon I'll have a newborn yet again and a retreat just won't be a possibility for a while. It just may be perfect timing. But isn't God's timing ALWAYS perfect?! Of course it is.

So...I've been eagerly awaiting this retreat for two years and finally I'm able to go and I'm anticipating it's arrival in three short weeks. Then the letter came. A supposedly innocent letter containing innocent information about the upcoming retreat. What to expect, where to park, where to meet-up the first night, what to bring, and what not to bring. And that's where it all came crashing down. It read:

"You will be on God's time for the weekend away from the outside world for a change, so we ask you to leave your cell phones, alarm clocks, computers, tablets, iPads, iPods, beepers, radios, etc. at home-even your watches!"

Leave my cell phone?! Wait, seriously? But what if there's an emergency? Oh, there's an emergency contact. But still. I need to check in with Jason. It's for 3 long nights...what about calling my kids and telling them goodnight? I've never been away from them for that long. That's an unfair and unreasonable request. I can't believe they would ask such a thing! It's hard enough to get away for 3 whole nights but that's not enough, now I need to leave behind all forms of communication as well?! I don't like this. This is crazy!! 

Yeah. So, that's been festering in my mind for the past week. This week I've found that I'm not so excited to go on the retreat. I'm actually quite unexcited about it. I'm apprehensive and uncertain, even untrusting all of the sudden. I feel defensive, angry, and resentful. My attitude and mood has done a 180* flip in regards to the retreat. 

So today I finally decided to pay some attention to these festering feelings. First off, my feelings in response to this letter weren't exactly godly. Clue number one that maybe I'm in the wrong here. As I took some time to pray, reflect, and write in my journal, the Holy Spirit began filling my mind with Truth from the Bible. The Gospels alone are filled with Jesus' calling men to give up everything and follow Him. This is of course true in His calling of the disciples. Jesus also tells a man to sell all he has and follow Him. He tells another who wants to first go and bury his father to let the dead bury themselves and follow Him. He tells us to pick up our crosses and follow Him. It's a common theme in the passages of the New Testament and it continues into our lives as Christians today. (See Matthew 4:18-20; Luke 5:11 27-28; Mark 1:19-20; Luke 18:22-23; Luke 9:59-60.)

I have now come to the realization that maybe this is about much more than being asked to leave my cell phone behind or not talk to my family during the retreat. After all, isn't that what a retreat is? To retreat. To leave behind, to move back, to withdraw, a quiet and secluded place to rest and relax. 

Our society is so very connected to everything. Not only have we learned to be near our devices constantly or nearly constantly, we are expected to. I think that God is always calling us to be less connected to the world and more connected to Him. Practicing detachment is HARD. In the Fall I felt God's soft and gentle call to detach from Facebook and Instagram. It was hard and at times still is. It may not be forever and I may prayerfully decide to connect with friends and family through those means again someday, but it has been a wonderful separation in many ways. It's freeing to not know what everyone is thinking, feeling, and doing. It's edifying to not be comparing my life with the lives of others so easily by putting the lives of others before my eyes so often of the time. It's rejuvenating to not have something I feel drawn to check constantly throughout the day. It's nice being private and just living my life not for anyone but God, my family, and myself. Now maybe God is bringing this detachment thing a little further. I didn't think it would be hard for me to give up my phone...but then again it is for 3 whole nights. So maybe I'm learning that's where I'm inclined to draw the line. But I don't want to ever draw the line with God. I don't want to hold back with God or be willing to only give up things for Him conditionally. WE ARE TO LIVE OUR LIVES IN COMPLETE ABANDON FOR CHRIST! A dear and wise priest I know often says this. Complete Abandonment. We go ALL IN. We JUMP SHIP. We LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND. 

I don't want to be one that says "Amen!" in agreement to these things and then when God says "Great, glad to hear it because...

~I want you to quit your job for another of lesser pay

~I want you to stop using contraception and be an advocate of life

~I am allowing you/a loved one to suffer illness and pain

~I want you to stop watching those movies/TV shows that mock and ridicule My Truth

~I am giving you a special needs child
~I am not giving you children
~I want you to leave your cell phone behind for a few days 
and to do so and accept these things obediently and joyfully for My names sake."

I completely realize the last one there is pretty pathetic in comparison to the other examples...but you get the point. This is a good question to ask ourselves and even our Lord: Where am I tempted to draw the line and back away, becoming resentful and angry that I would be asked to do such a thing/carry such a burden? 

So I'm asked to detach from my phone for a few days. That will most likely be a very good thing. Distraction is a key tool of Satan's to deter us from The Lords calling. It can often be very successful, but we have the choice to not let it be. Turning off our devices and retreating to God, even in our homes for a few minutes, is sure to be a good thing. Every time I do so God is faithful in meeting with me (James 4:8).

In reality, all this upset almost had me forgetting what a gift and blessing this retreat truly is. It's not often that I'll be able to do this kind of retreat, especially with the demands and responsibilities that come with raising young children. And that's OK, but when God does give me the opportunity, I want to be fully present and receive the gift joyfully and open to whatever God speaks to me while there. I think because it is such a rare occurrence and opportunity during this stage in life is even more reason to truly enjoy it. What a gift that my husband has the week off and can take full command on the home front! That he's even willing to use his time off in that way is a huge gift (AND during March Madness! I mean, seriously, he's SO selfless!). What a gift...normally a few minutes of peace and quiet is a rarity with young children running around (though their "noise" is beautiful in it's own way), but here I am getting an opportunity for DAYS of peace and quiet and time with my first love. Recently Jason and I were blessed with a getaway weekend while his parents watched the girls. We had 2 nights together away and it was SO rejuvenating and refreshing for our marriage! We do try and make time for date nights pretty often which is super important but it is different when you get an extended period of time without distraction to focus on one another and on God together. If that's so important for our marriage, how much more so with our relationship with God?! Again, such a huge gift! It's pretty silly that I could have missed out on that gift with something as petty as being asked to leave my phone home. It's actually quite refreshing that these woman care so much about my time with The Lord that they would go to such lengths to guard it. It is a sacred and holy thing when we spend time seeking God and Him seeking us. It should be guarded at all costs. We should give ourselves in complete abandonment for Him and His Truth. Go all in. Jump Ship. Leave it all behind to follow Jesus. 

Most Blessed Are You Among Women

"When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the infant leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth, filled with the holy Spirit, cried out in a loud voice and said, “Most blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb.”"

~Luke 1:41-42~

"Most blessed are you among women..." It occurred to me recently how truly mouth dropping this verse is. A lot of wisdom and knowledge can be gleaned from these few words when you take the time to consider the life both the Blessed Mother and Jesus lived. I think of her and I know well that she was the mother to our Lord Jesus. However, personally, I don't often think of her as a mom. A mom who had her baby in her womb those many trying months, a mom who gave birth to her child (and in a lowly and humble manger), a mom who nursed and swaddled and cared for her child, a mom who taught and helped her child to grow, a mom who cared for her child when he was sick...a mom. This is the mom who was told by Simeon:

"Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, “Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be contradicted and you yourself a sword will pierce so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed.”"

~Luke 2:34-35~

To the woman whom Elizabeth proclaimed through the Holy Spirit to be the most blessed is also the woman whom Simeon prophesied that a sword will pierce her, and indeed we know this to be true. This most blessed woman endured the pain of watching her son be crucified on the cross. Can you imagine? I can't. It sounds horrible. I love Jesus, He is my Lord and Savior, and it brings me pain to consider his final hours. Yet add to that the pain of watching your only child suffer in such a cruel way, though innocent and Holy.

Standing by the cross of Jesus were his mother and his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary of Magdala. 

~John 19:25~

I am sure that she felt the pain of her son at the deepest of levels. When one of my children simply scrape a knee or bite their tongue, my heart aches for them. When one of my children are neglected and left out at the playground, I am deeply saddened, filled with heartache and even anger at the other children hurting my child. Mary witnessed the rejection of her Son, culminating in His death, and I know that she felt this in the depths of her heart. A pain so deep and real. Yet she is regarded as the most blessed among women. Mary is the most blessed for many reasons. She was the mother of Jesus, she said yes to God, she trusted Him fully even through uncertainty and pain. There is another reason as well. Jesus tells us of this during His Sermon on the Mount. She isn't the most blessed in spite of all of her suffering, but because of all her suffering.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they will inherit the land.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they will be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the clean of heart,

for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you falsely because of me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven. Thus they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

~Matthew 5:3-12~

This is true for us as well. When we endure these sufferings, we are united with Jesus and Mary, as well as all the Saints. So often we consider suffering to be a bad thing, certainly the world considers it this way and has used this mindset to justify the abortion of countless babies, physician-assisted suicide, suicide, and so many other evils all to avoid the cost of suffering. Additionally, this mindset can get us into trouble as it often leads to depression and self-pity when we feel as though we've been dealt a bad hand, or when in an attempt to avoid suffering we turn away from Gods Will for us, disconnect ourselves from others, or from the Church. Sadly, this lie is a very nasty one. We avoid suffering thinking it to be wise when in reality we are avoiding blessing and life. God's ways are sure mysterious, I know! Let's be like Mary, like Jesus, and like the saints who have gone before us who say YES to God and to suffering, all for the sake of the kingdom and the salvation of souls.

Confession: Days Like Today

When it comes to my daily, spiritual life, sometimes I feel so on-fire, encouraged, challenged, excited...and sometimes I just don't. Today has been mostly one of those days where I don't feel any of those things. Today I see the worst in me, and I mean the worst. Confession: I can be short tempered. Sometimes, it only takes minuscule annoyances that seem so much worse in the moment and that set me off into a stressed out wreck of frustration and anger. I become sour and sarcastic. I huff and glare. My body language sends one message: Watch out. Whether it's the refrigerator door that doesn't close all the way, the toy I step on with my bare feet, or the lamp cord in my path while vacuuming, my wrath is released. I slam the door, I throw the toy, I want to throw the lamp out the window but thankfully don't...it's embarrassing and petty and childish. I know it's bad when my husband can't even be around me while I'm in an angry mood. Lucky for him, he can leave. Ha, if only it were that easy for me. 

It's a struggle I have always had and I really don't like it about myself. I want to be patient, kind, self-controlled, and slow to anger. I pray daily for Gods grace and for the Holy Spirit to work in me and give me whatever is necessary for that change to happen. As much as I wish it could happen with the snapping of fingers, I'm beginning to catch on that that isn't how things work. I need to work at it (while relying on the grace of God). Of course, I've been working on it for years now, but I can't let that keep me from pressing on. A quick-fix-it kind of solution wouldn't produce in me what God wants to produce in me. I need endurance. 

"Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us."

~Romans 5:3-5~

"You need endurance to do the will of God and receive what he has promised."

~Hebrews 10:36~

"For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, virtue with knowledge, knowledge with self-control, self-control with endurance, endurance with devotion, devotion with mutual affection, mutual affection with love. If these are yours and increase in abundance, they will keep you from being idle or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."

~2 Peter 1:6-8~

It's so hard, but it's meant to be. I can so easily get frustrated at myself for becoming so easily frustrated at everything else, but I must keep on. It's tempting and easier to allow myself to get down and more upset and begin hating myself, but those thoughts are not of God. I must deny my ugly, short-fused, irritable self and replace it with patience, self-control, and love. It takes practice and a lot of it at that. Thankfully, I seem to have plenty of opportunity to practice it, especially on days like today.

Lord, have mercy.

Rejoice, Really!

One week ago today, Jason and I became homeowners! It's been quite the adventure so far, and we have already experienced the sweet and bitter taste of home ownership. Within less than twenty-four hours after closing we found a leak in the plumbing, and the washer valve hook-ups needed replaced, and there was a nest in the dryer vent. Oh, how nice it was to simply call maintenance and report these kinds of issues, and have it fixed for free and without hassle. Then, as the days went on, we've found four more leaks, and we found out that our well tank was shot and needed replaced, and we need to neutralize our water since it is ever so slightly acidic and may be contributing to the leaky pipes. Oh, joy! (But seriously, JOY--see James 1:2 and Philippians 4:4-7). And yet, that's not all, there has been even more reason to cry-I mean-rejoice. On Saturday, Teá experienced the worse case of constipation I have ever witnessed. She was crying out in pain a good majority of the day. I'll spare you the details, but since I was wrapped up in that I had to miss Jason's graduation. The poor guy was all alone at his graduation. After six years of grueling work, getting his PhD wasn't quite as celebratory as we imagined. Lastly, Amaryn has three or four teeth poking through which means we have a fussy baby on our hands, but seriously who can blame her? That's a lot of teeth coming in at the same time! Poor baby!

Anyway, I don't write all of this to whine and complain. It hasn't been easy and unfortunately it's gotten the best of us at times during the past seven days, but there are always lessons to be learned. As I was taking some time to journal, pray, and read the bible this afternoon, I was considering all that had happened this past week. As I started writing in my journal, without really thinking about it, I wrote, "Thank you Lord for this house. Thank you for the plumbing issues and all the leaks." I wrote it but immediately was taken back, because I have felt a lot of things this past week, but thankful wasn't on the top of the list by any means. Yet what I wrote is what I want to be. I can be thankful for them because in them I know God has a purpose, and His purpose is perfect. So yes, thank you God for the leaky pipes and all the unexpected work that needs done. It also provides an excellent opportunity to trust God through it all, especially financially. I know God cares about our finances and I know He will provide for our needs, but I also know His goal is not our financial prosperity but our eternal prosperity. 

In the mean time, I pray I will remain faithful, trusting, and rejoicing. 


**I wrote this post 3 or so weeks ago now, and forgot to publish. Funny enough, about 5 minutes after writing it, Teá woke up from her nap, opened the refrigerator, and the unopened gallon of milk came crashing down, broke open, and spilled milk everywhere. Much of it went under the fridge, and since I couldn't move it by myself, I mopped up what I could and waited for Jason to come home that evening. When he got home he asked why there was a huge puddle of milk on the basement floor. Upon further investigation we found a gap along the baseboard behind the refrigerator that leaks out and down into the basement. The whole time, the word "Rejoice!" came to my mind, thanks to my writing this post earlier in the day. If for nothing else, I'm thankful for this place to jot down my thoughts and thankful that God continues to use them to challenge me.**

The Transforming, All-Powerful Love of Christ

Jesus loves you.

You've most likely heard it a million times. I know I have. Maybe you've believed it and felt His love in your life, through seasons of joy and seasons of trials. Or maybe you've wanted to believe it but struggled to find His love manifesting in your life, especially when the harsh realities of life left you feeling alone and anything but loved.

But He does love you, and this love is not like any other love we can find on this earth apart from Him. His love is selfless, perfect, and powerful. One of the biggest mistakes we can make is to not fully grasp and allow this love to do its work in us. It should transform us, perfect us, and equip us to live the abundant and Christ-like life that we are called to live.

Let's take a few moments and consider His love. It was selfless: it lead Him to the cross where He gave up His own life in order to save us from the death penalty of our sins and give us life with Him forever. It was perfect: Without considering Himself, He laid down His life for us while we were still sinners. His love is trustworthy, hope filled, never failing...it is perfect. His love is powerful: He didn't just die for us, He overcame death for us. Even the grave couldn't hold Him. His love is powerful enough to save Himself, and us, from the power of death.

His love saves us from death. Therefore, it can certainly save us from that which leads to death. His love is stronger than our addictions, our sins, our mistakes, our sicknesses, our imperfections, our failings, our brokenness. It's stronger than the attacks of Satan. His love is stronger than death and life; it is the giver of life.

If we aren't experiencing this love, we aren't experiencing the fullness of Christ in our lives. He is one with the Father, and the Father IS love (1 John 4:8). If you find that you are struggling with sin, pray. Pray that the love of Christ will transcend your sin and be washed away by the power brought forth through His blood. We alone are not stronger than sin, but He is, and by His death and resurrection He has given us power through Him to repent of our sins and live a life worthy of the calling we have received in Him (Ephesians 4:1). If you are struggling with addiction, bondage, disappointment, pain, regret, or hatred, know that His love is greater and allow God to work in you to rid you of these things. We aren't called to a life of bondage and slavery to sin-no, Jesus died so that we can be freed from that bondage and live with Him in righteousness. We are partakers of His death and resurrection and our lives should be reflections of that powerful truth (see Romans 6). 

And in that powerful truth, we can find comfort, peace, and joy because nothing can separate us from His love when we know how deep, how long, how wide the love of Christ is for us. For you. For me. 

"What then shall we say to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but handed him over for us all, how will he not also give us everything else along with him? Who will bring a charge against God’s chosen ones? It is God who acquits us. Who will condemn? It is Christ [Jesus] who died, rather, was raised, who also is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us. What will separate us from the love of Christ? Will anguish, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword? As it is written:

“For your sake we are being slain all the day;

we are looked upon as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

~Romans 8:31-39~

"...that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the holy ones what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to accomplish far more than all we ask or imagine, by the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." 

~Ephesians 3:17-21~ 

People of Prayer

It's easy to be people of talk. How often I find that I am more prone to talk about people or situations when I should be praying for them or for the situations. I wonder what might change in the heavenly realms if I prayed as much as I talked.

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." 

~Ephesians 4:29~

"I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." 

~Matthew 12:36~

Let's be people of prayer, not people of talk.

Childbirth and Suffering

The reality of labor is quickly approaching. Being seven and a half month pregnant, I know baby Amaryn will be here before we know it. Of course, I can hardly wait! Yet, amidst the anticipation, there is an element of hesitation as I ponder the pain I must go through before I get to hold her in my arms. 

In reality, that impending pain is already manifesting itself in the pregnancy, as it does for most women. My confession: Lately, I have been complaining about the ailments of pregnancy some of the time. OK, maybe even complaining about the ailments of life and maybe not just some of the time, but most of the time. Different trials and whatnot this month have at times left me down and sulking. The other night I told Jason that I hate how much I've been complaining, yet I just don't know what else to do. The back pain and exhaustion are almost constant and it's difficult not to focus on it. Well, such is life, right? I know it's good for something, but sometimes it just feels plain rotten.

I've been thinking much about suffering lately. As a new Catholic, certain terminologies and phrases have caught my attention. In regard to suffering, I am supposed to "offer it up" so that it may be unified with Christ's sufferings and have a redemptive purpose. God, what does this mean? What is it you are trying to teach me through this suffering? Is my constant complaining and irritability towards it taking away from something great you are wanting to do through it?

It lead me to thinking about childbirth, but immediately I stopped myself and thought, well at least my suffering in pregnancy pains and childbirth results in something miraculous...it has purpose. There is plenty of sufferings out there we are called to endure which seem to have no purpose, no happy ending. 

Yet that's when I realized the truth of it all. The example of purposeful suffering is undisguised in childbirth, yet all suffering is meant to result in a miracle. It is designed to lead us to holiness and to Heaven. The pain and suffering of pregnancy, labor, and delivery is akin to all the refinement, self-denial, and hardship we must endure in this life. The end result is the same: new life. 

"Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." 

~James 1:2-4~ 

"I will bring [them] through the fire; I will refine them as one refines silver, and I will test them as one tests gold. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them; I will say, “They are my people," and they will say, “The LORD is my God.”" 
~Zechariah 13:9~

"Endure your trials as “discipline”;[...]At the time, all discipline seems a cause not for joy but for pain, yet later it brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who are trained by it."
~Hebrews 12:7,11~

"I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed for us. For creation awaits with eager expectation the revelation of the children of God; for creation was made subject to futility, not of its own accord but because of the one who subjected it, in hope that creation itself would be set free from slavery to corruption and share in the glorious freedom of the children of God. We know that all creation is groaning in labor pains even until now; and not only that, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, we also groan within ourselves as we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in hope we were saved. Now hope that sees for itself is not hope. For who hopes for what one sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait with endurance." 

~Romans 8:18-25~

As Christians, we can take joy in our suffering, knowing that it unites us with Christ and the end result is worth the present hardship.  Lord, help us to not extinguish the refining fire of suffering through our complaints and sulking, but instead help us to be open to suffering so that it can birth your new life into us. Amen.

Seeking Approval

I have a dear friend and family member who is currently pregnant with her ninth child. It is something many people don't understand, and even those that do understand are often surprised by the fact simply because it is so uncommon in our culture today to have more than a set number of children. I know that her and her family get a lot of remarks, comments, stares, and judgement because of the way they are choosing to live their lives. Many people find it is irresponsible and foolish. Others simply find it something to make jokes about and laugh at. And then there are those that think, "Well, whatever works for them. It certainly isn't for me." Well, it is overwhelming, this idea of being fully committed to the openness of life, continually sacrificing your body and time for the sake of another soul to know Christ and His love, and welcoming any child that God may choose to give them. Who on earth would sign up for all this? Why would Jesus ask all that of her? Is she crazy?

I have another close friend who is soon entering religious life. She will be giving away all her possessions, quitting her job, leaving her friends and all that is familiar to her, and moving to a place where she will be living solely for the Lord in lowliness and humbleness. She is giving up many--if not all--modern day comforts: no computer, phone, or iPod, very few desserts and no snacking, a limited and stern dress code, very little traveling to visit family and friends, no car, a set meal plan (no more satisfying that sweet tooth or pizza craving), no sleeping in or taking a day off and watching movies all day. And that's just the beginning of a slew of other things she will be giving up or going without. She will be fully committing her life to prayer, fasting, and service. A lot of people don't understand. Some find the idea of giving up all their things pointless and too difficult to comprehend as these things have worked their way into becoming necessities in their lives. I can hardly stay off my phone for a few hours, never mind giving it up completely. And then the thought of moving away from all that is familiar and comfortable, all by yourself, is pretty daunting. Who on earth would sign up for all this? Why would Jesus ask all that of her? Is she crazy? 

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

~Galatians 1:10~ 

You know, these women sure as heck aren't looking for the approval of man. If they were, I suspect they would have made some different decisions along the way. No, they must be on to something different. If they were looking to others to gain confidence in their vocations and reassurance in their identity, they would be left totally insecure and in a serious identity crisis. But they aren't. They aren't looking for reassurance from others that they are making the right decisions and on the right path. They aren't building their confidence and self esteem by the standards of the world and of our culture. They aren't trying to please human beings; they are trying to please God. 

I look at my husband. I am so thankful for him. In my eyes he is so heroic. He has an amazing brain and he could go on to do so many things that people would just be in awe over. He could go on to make a lot of money in his field and make his name known in the world. But he isn't fooled. He knows those things aren't what God is asking of him. He knows that all those things come at a cost that he isn't willing to pay. To name a few: the cost of time with family and friends; the cost of peace; the cost of leading a moral and virtuous life; the cost of growing closer to Christ. The cost of pleasing God by instead seeking to please man.

Too often I find myself lacking in confidence and feeling worthless because I have been seeking to be comforted by others and not by God. I want reassurance that what I am doing matters. I want a big pat on the back from people telling me, "You've made all the right decisions! You're so smart and it's good that you're choosing to ______. All of your hard work and sacrifice is going to pay off soon!" Well, people don't often say these things to me. The sacrifices I make are not often noticed, at least not by the majority of the population. It can be a real struggle to be so committed in my pursuit to follow and please God that I don't care what others think. Yet, in that struggle I often lose focus of why I do what I do and who I do it for. I suppose that is exactly what Satan wants, too, because the moment I start to care more about what others think than about what God thinks, who am I really serving? 

To help us all stay focused on our mission of being a servant of Jesus Christ, we should frequently ask ourselves: Who are we trying to seek approval from? Where do we find our worth? What if the cost of having worth in the sight of man was to give up our identity in Christ? Would it be worth it? What am I willing to give up for Christ? Am I willing to be a fool in the sight of family, friends, and acquaintances? Am I willing to be misunderstood and made fun of, all for the sake of living the life that God has called me to? Who, what, and where do I find my confidence? Am I placing my hope and trust in Christ, or in this world? 

"Do not love the world or the things of the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, sensual lust, enticement for the eyes, and a pretentious life, is not from the Father but is from the world. Yet the world and its enticement are passing away. But whoever does the will of God remains forever."

~1 John 2:15-17~

“If the world hates you, realize that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, the world would love its own; but because you do not belong to the world, and I have chosen you out of the world, the world hates you."

~John 15:18-19~

What are we really here for? Who are we here to serve? Man or God? You can't serve both (Matthew 6:24). The ways of the world, the ways of man, are not the ways of God (James 4:4; Isaiah 55:8-9; 1 Corinthians 15:33; Psalm 40:4). Choose God. Seek His approval. Live for Him alone. In doing so you will store up treasures in Heaven and your reward will be that which is eternal and doesn't wither away (Matthew 6:19-21). 

Do You Ever Feel Alone?

Alone. That's how I have been feeling this week. Alone in my Christian walk. Alone in my convictions. Alone in my struggles. Alone in my calling as a stay at home mother. Alone in my thoughts. Just so terribly lonely that it has left me feeling discouraged, hopeless, and burdened. It has also left me yearning for Heaven. I feel almost homesick for this place I have never been and can't even fully imagine in all its glory-the very Glory of God Himself. Yet I am here, stuck on this earth and in all of its imperfections. Every day I am reminded of the fallen nature of humankind. I see it in the news, in those around me, in myself. Sin and ungodliness reign. God seems difficult to find in the mess we've made for ourselves here. So many Christian brothers and sisters seem to be just as much a part of the world as the unbelievers. Godly values seem to be thrown to the side of the road and trampled on by the very people who profess Jesus as Lord and therefore should be living by those values and honoring them. Instead they live and preach a version of Christianity that fits their own belief system. I see all of this and it overwhelms me. It's unsettling and discouraging. It's hard to keep walking this road of Faith when it feels so lonely sometimes. It's hard to not want to be in Heaven where endless worship will be given the Holy One who is worthy of all honor and praise. 

Caught up in the emotions from the week, I was so happy to see Sunday come. A new day. The Lords day. I was craving the refreshing taste of community and worship. I prayed for Gods Spirit to rejuvenate and encourage me. Todays readings were perfect (Acts 15:1-2, 22-29; Psalm 67:2-3, 5-6, 8; Revelation 21:10-14, 22-23; John 14:23-29). The Gospel reading was especially refreshing. The Trinity is clearly expressed in the passage, the words are hope-filled and life-giving. We are to abide in His word and when we do that, the Lord comes and lives in us. He gives us Peace. Not like the peace of the world, but His Peace. We aren't to be troubled or afraid, Jesus is coming back for us; He will not leave us.

Wow, those words were exactly what I needed to hear. After Mass I met up for one of my final RCIA sessions. For an hour and a half I was able to be surrounded by fellow believers who share in this walk of Faith and let me just say that it was edifying and encouraging to say the least. It is so clear to me after days like today why believers need community and fellowship. We weren't created to survive alone. Christianity from its earliest beginnings was communal in almost every aspect of its roots. Jesus, in perfect unity with His Father and the Holy Spirit, died on a cross to bring us to Himself, which brings us into unity with the Trinity. This also brings us into unity with other believers. We are all partaking of the body and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ, we are all gathered together and share, as one, in HIS body and HIS life. We are a family. 

It's so important to remember that, as Christians and believers in Christ, we aren't alone. Sin might reign in the world but it doesn't in us because He has overcome sin. He has forgiven us and washed us clean, and we are therefore risen with Him in His resurrection and Triumph. Though in the world, we aren't of the world. 

Jesus has given us an opportunity to get to know what Heaven is like before we even get there. Heaven is the Glory of God, the dwelling place of His Splendor. If we love Him and keep His word, He will dwell in us (John 14:23-29). He has made our bodies His temple (1 Corinthians 6:19)! Wow! It's amazing and it leaves me in awe of His goodness. If we choose to live and abide in His word, we can be partakers of His Heavenly Kingdom. I don't have to yearn for Heaven while feeling alone and hopeless in this world. I can yearn for Heaven and glimpse into its Glory while living here on the earth. I don't have to wait and worship God in Heaven, I can worship Him here. In fact, if I choose to wait to give Him the honor, glory, and praise due His name, why would I expect to be doing so in Heaven one day? Our life here should be a reflection of what is yet to come. Loneliness and despair is not what is to come for those who believe and trust in Jesus. I am not alone. If nothing else I always have the unity of the Trinity living and dwelling in me, but He has also given me a community of believers. It's such a gift. I am so thankful that He has shown these things to me and reminded me of His Truth when I needed it this week. I am so thankful that He loves us so much and has given us such hope and promise.  

Freedom from Beauty: Day 22

Twenty-two days has gone surprisingly quick. Christmas is almost here and though my fast is coming to a close, the lessons I've learned from it will always remain. Most of what I learned was revealed within the first few days and has already been shared on this blog, but here are a few other things:

• What we do matters. I think all to often we justify this and tell ourselves that it doesn't matter, no one is paying attention, people shouldn't judge us anyway, and so we can do what we want. This is simply just not the truth. I think of my daughter who is watching absolutely everything I do. She is watching everyone around her and taking it all in. I'll notice her imitating things I didn't even realize she saw, much less understood. She's like a sponge. She's been stealing my make-up and proudly trying to put it on herself since she was a year old. How she knew that the eye shadow was to be applied near the eyes is beyond me. If I'm doing it, she likely will be as well. I don't care if she wears make-up when she's older. I do care if she thinks that she is only beautiful with it on and if she draws value and worth from it. That's not the message I want to send her or anyone else who might be watching what I do and how I act.
• There's more about this issue than can be learned in twenty-something days. It would be a shame to just get through these days and then shut my mind and heart off to anything else God may choose to reveal to me at another time. I want to always be open and listening to what the Lord might be speaking to me. 
• It's helpful to have accountability and someone nearby to encourage you when things get a little tough. My husband and sister had to remind me why I was doing this whenever I began to lose focus or get frustrated at the situation. They have also been helpful in choosing modesty by letting me know if something wasn't very appropriate to wear. This is helpful since my radar isn't very refined or objective in that area and I'll likely need some extra guidance and insight into the subject for a while. 
• Whenever there's doubt, it's always a good idea to seek God and godly counsel. He wants us to learn and grow, but if we don't seek Him in our endeavors, how can we expect to be growing in Him? If I just cut out make-up and switched up my clothes for a while and didn't seek God during this time, of what value would it really be? But, if I commit that time to seeking Gods heart in a particular issue, He delights in showing me His truths. 

I'll continue to seek God in all things and to make sure He is first in my life. That certainly includes these areas of beauty and modesty. I'll try and be a good steward of how I spend the time He's given me each day. I'm thankful for all He's shown me thus far and am looking forward to applying those things and letting Him transform my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. 

Freedom from Beauty: Day 9

There's one fairly predictable, but nonetheless beneficial, plus side to not wearing make-up or getting all dolled up before leaving to go somewhere. I have so much more time. I was never one to put loads of make-up on every day and usually I would just darken my eyebrows, but there were still a good amount of days which I would apply more make-up, take the extra time to fix my hair, and try outfit after outfit on. 

Well, now I can get ready in a lot less time. And lets be honest, we could all use more time. Unless God stops the clock again as in the days of Joshua 10, the day will always be 24 hours long. What you spend your time doing says a lot about who you are and what you value. The time I've saved by not putting on make-up or fretting over clothing and hair has been spent with God in quiet time or spent with my family. I can't think of anything better to spend my time doing.  

So, here are some of my thoughts about the whole make-up thing:

• If you don't have time to do those things which matter most to you, but do have time to spend making yourself up, then you need to think about re-prioritizing. 
• I, for one, can't think of much else more vain than putting on make-up. It doesn't even last one day (at least not in my case). There's no good excuse for the amount of time spent in front of a mirror. It isn't an investment and it doesn't last but must be continually re-applied. It can cause discontentment and stress when seen without it on (see below) and takes away valuable time. 
• If make-up is causing unnecessary stress, you need a make-up cleanse. Give it up for a time, or even forever minus those special occasions. How do you know when it's causing unnecessary stress? If you can't go swimming, can't cry, or can't be seem without it on, that's when. You don't need to have that split second of fear while driving somewhere thinking, "Wait, did I forget to fix my eyebrows?!". 

Oh, and one more thing that's noteworthy. This past weekend my husbands family all got together to take family photos to send out on his parents Christmas cards. My mother in law printed 80 cards to send out. So, on top of the entire immediate family all seeing me make-up free, there will be approximately 80 households seeing my make-up free face on their Christmas cards. And you know what, no one is going to care, and what's even better is that I don't have to, either. That makes me smile. :)

Do You Know Him?

Do you know Christ, I mean really, really know Him? Intimately, passionately, scripturally?  

Do you find it difficult to commit yourself to Christ and endure through the trials and tribulations of life? Is it difficult for you to trust this Man whom you worship in church, but sometimes struggle to find Him in the day to day? 

I spent some time this morning reading in 2 Timothy. Paul is writing his final words to Timothy. Paul knows his earthly death is soon and that he would be executed shortly thereafter. What is it about Christ that causes a man to give up his life for Him? To endure, even with death looking you in the eye? How can someone be that persuaded and faithful?

Well, in 2 Timothy we get an insight to these matters as Paul exhorts Timothy to follow in his footsteps confidently. Paul is basically telling Timothy that he, too, may be called to give up his life for Christ, and to do so with faith, hope, and joy. Paul then shares one reason that he endures all kinds of sufferings, even to the point of death. 

"For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day."

~2 Timothy 1:12~

For I know whom I have believed...Wow. If you find yourself struggling to endure, ashamed of the Gospel, unable to understand the sufferings that you go through, then maybe it's time you really get to know that Man that you say you trust in. I'm convinced that the more we seek and find Him, the more astonished we would find ourselves. He was not just a man. He was the savior of the world. He didn't just die. He arose from death. Angels bow down to Him, demons fear Him; we would be smart to do likewise. 

“Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!"

~Matthew 7:21-23~

We can know about God, we can even call upon His mighty name and work miracles through Him, but it won't mean anything unless we really know Him. Even the demons know Jesus:

"And the evil spirit answered and said, "Jesus I know, and Paul I know, but who are you."

~Acts 19:15~

Knowing Jesus' name and knowing Him personally are different, and, as seen in Acts 19, the demons recognized that as well when sons of a Jewish chief priest and Jewish exorcists tried using the name of Christ to banish evil spirits, and the spirits saw right through it. They knew these people didn't know Jesus themselves, they only knew His name was power and they wanted to use it.  

So, how can we be sure we know Him? The Bible says that when we seek Him with all our hearts, we will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13-14). The apostle John says in 1 John the following:

"Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. He who says, 'I know Him', and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked."

~1 John 2:3-6~

Seek God. Read His word. Pray. Obey His commands. He is faithful and when we draw near to Him, He will draw near to us (James 4:8). While we seek to know Him more fully, let us remember and take comfort in how He knows us. 

"Nevertheless the solid foundation of God stands, having this seal: 'The Lord knows those who are His', and, 'Let everyone who names the name of Christ depart from iniquity.'"

~2 Timothy 2:19~

How we know God is not to even be compared to how God knows us, but we trust even the more so because of that. The following verse sums it up pretty well for me. 

"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

~1 Corinthians 13:11-13~

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I sometimes find it helpful and more meaningful when I learn the root words and meanings in the original languages of the Scripture. If you are interested in going a little deeper on your own, refer to Blue Letter Bible. Here are some notes from my studies in relation to the above verses:

The greek translation for "know" in 2 Timothy 1:12 is eidō. It means to perceive, to see, to pay attention to, to discern. This is the word Paul used to explain how he knew God and how his faith in God in knowing Him helped Paul to endure. 

If you continue to read in 2 Timothy, you will come across 2 Timothy 2:19. The greek translation for "know" in 2:19 is ginōskō which also means to understand, to perceive, to have knowledge of, but it also is a Jewish idiom for knowing someone as intimately as a husband and wife do in the marriage act. This is how God knows us. For those that commit their life to God, He will know them deeply and intimately and place His seal upon them. 

In Acts 19:15, the greek translation for "know" in regards to the evil spirit knowing Jesus Christ is also ginōskō. How the evil spirit knows Paul, the root word is different for "know", it is epistamai which means to be acquainted with, to understand. 

In 1 Corinthians 13:11-13, the first "knowing in part" has the root word ginōskō (so right now we can only know partially the way Christ knows us), whereas the following "shall know just as I also am known" contains a similar root word but slightly different and expanded, epiginōskō, which means to know accurately, to know well. Christ knows us fully, accurately, and intimately.

See Blue Letter Bible for more in depth studies of the Scriptures.