Complete Abandon

This coming Easter I will celebrate two wonderful years since becoming a Catholic. My sponsor/godmother/dear friend told me that she would like to pay my way for me to go on a Catholic woman's retreat as a gift. The next retreat was the following September and was the exact weekend of my due date with Amaryn. It wasn't yet meant to be. Of course, the two scheduled retreats after that weren't meant to be either because of nursing and babyhood. These retreats are four days and three nights long, so not exactly mommy-to-a-nursing-baby friendly. 

I realized a couple of months ago that the upcoming retreat in March may actually work out for me to attend. It's not on my due date for starters (I'll be about 7 months along), I'm not nursing a baby and both girls can go without me for a few days, plus it's during Jason's Spring Break which is perfect. I know that very soon I'll have a newborn yet again and a retreat just won't be a possibility for a while. It just may be perfect timing. But isn't God's timing ALWAYS perfect?! Of course it is.

So...I've been eagerly awaiting this retreat for two years and finally I'm able to go and I'm anticipating it's arrival in three short weeks. Then the letter came. A supposedly innocent letter containing innocent information about the upcoming retreat. What to expect, where to park, where to meet-up the first night, what to bring, and what not to bring. And that's where it all came crashing down. It read:

"You will be on God's time for the weekend away from the outside world for a change, so we ask you to leave your cell phones, alarm clocks, computers, tablets, iPads, iPods, beepers, radios, etc. at home-even your watches!"

Leave my cell phone?! Wait, seriously? But what if there's an emergency? Oh, there's an emergency contact. But still. I need to check in with Jason. It's for 3 long nights...what about calling my kids and telling them goodnight? I've never been away from them for that long. That's an unfair and unreasonable request. I can't believe they would ask such a thing! It's hard enough to get away for 3 whole nights but that's not enough, now I need to leave behind all forms of communication as well?! I don't like this. This is crazy!! 

Yeah. So, that's been festering in my mind for the past week. This week I've found that I'm not so excited to go on the retreat. I'm actually quite unexcited about it. I'm apprehensive and uncertain, even untrusting all of the sudden. I feel defensive, angry, and resentful. My attitude and mood has done a 180* flip in regards to the retreat. 

So today I finally decided to pay some attention to these festering feelings. First off, my feelings in response to this letter weren't exactly godly. Clue number one that maybe I'm in the wrong here. As I took some time to pray, reflect, and write in my journal, the Holy Spirit began filling my mind with Truth from the Bible. The Gospels alone are filled with Jesus' calling men to give up everything and follow Him. This is of course true in His calling of the disciples. Jesus also tells a man to sell all he has and follow Him. He tells another who wants to first go and bury his father to let the dead bury themselves and follow Him. He tells us to pick up our crosses and follow Him. It's a common theme in the passages of the New Testament and it continues into our lives as Christians today. (See Matthew 4:18-20; Luke 5:11 27-28; Mark 1:19-20; Luke 18:22-23; Luke 9:59-60.)

I have now come to the realization that maybe this is about much more than being asked to leave my cell phone behind or not talk to my family during the retreat. After all, isn't that what a retreat is? To retreat. To leave behind, to move back, to withdraw, a quiet and secluded place to rest and relax. 

Our society is so very connected to everything. Not only have we learned to be near our devices constantly or nearly constantly, we are expected to. I think that God is always calling us to be less connected to the world and more connected to Him. Practicing detachment is HARD. In the Fall I felt God's soft and gentle call to detach from Facebook and Instagram. It was hard and at times still is. It may not be forever and I may prayerfully decide to connect with friends and family through those means again someday, but it has been a wonderful separation in many ways. It's freeing to not know what everyone is thinking, feeling, and doing. It's edifying to not be comparing my life with the lives of others so easily by putting the lives of others before my eyes so often of the time. It's rejuvenating to not have something I feel drawn to check constantly throughout the day. It's nice being private and just living my life not for anyone but God, my family, and myself. Now maybe God is bringing this detachment thing a little further. I didn't think it would be hard for me to give up my phone...but then again it is for 3 whole nights. So maybe I'm learning that's where I'm inclined to draw the line. But I don't want to ever draw the line with God. I don't want to hold back with God or be willing to only give up things for Him conditionally. WE ARE TO LIVE OUR LIVES IN COMPLETE ABANDON FOR CHRIST! A dear and wise priest I know often says this. Complete Abandonment. We go ALL IN. We JUMP SHIP. We LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND. 

I don't want to be one that says "Amen!" in agreement to these things and then when God says "Great, glad to hear it because...

~I want you to quit your job for another of lesser pay

~I want you to stop using contraception and be an advocate of life

~I am allowing you/a loved one to suffer illness and pain

~I want you to stop watching those movies/TV shows that mock and ridicule My Truth

~I am giving you a special needs child
~I am not giving you children
~I want you to leave your cell phone behind for a few days 
and to do so and accept these things obediently and joyfully for My names sake."

I completely realize the last one there is pretty pathetic in comparison to the other examples...but you get the point. This is a good question to ask ourselves and even our Lord: Where am I tempted to draw the line and back away, becoming resentful and angry that I would be asked to do such a thing/carry such a burden? 

So I'm asked to detach from my phone for a few days. That will most likely be a very good thing. Distraction is a key tool of Satan's to deter us from The Lords calling. It can often be very successful, but we have the choice to not let it be. Turning off our devices and retreating to God, even in our homes for a few minutes, is sure to be a good thing. Every time I do so God is faithful in meeting with me (James 4:8).

In reality, all this upset almost had me forgetting what a gift and blessing this retreat truly is. It's not often that I'll be able to do this kind of retreat, especially with the demands and responsibilities that come with raising young children. And that's OK, but when God does give me the opportunity, I want to be fully present and receive the gift joyfully and open to whatever God speaks to me while there. I think because it is such a rare occurrence and opportunity during this stage in life is even more reason to truly enjoy it. What a gift that my husband has the week off and can take full command on the home front! That he's even willing to use his time off in that way is a huge gift (AND during March Madness! I mean, seriously, he's SO selfless!). What a gift...normally a few minutes of peace and quiet is a rarity with young children running around (though their "noise" is beautiful in it's own way), but here I am getting an opportunity for DAYS of peace and quiet and time with my first love. Recently Jason and I were blessed with a getaway weekend while his parents watched the girls. We had 2 nights together away and it was SO rejuvenating and refreshing for our marriage! We do try and make time for date nights pretty often which is super important but it is different when you get an extended period of time without distraction to focus on one another and on God together. If that's so important for our marriage, how much more so with our relationship with God?! Again, such a huge gift! It's pretty silly that I could have missed out on that gift with something as petty as being asked to leave my phone home. It's actually quite refreshing that these woman care so much about my time with The Lord that they would go to such lengths to guard it. It is a sacred and holy thing when we spend time seeking God and Him seeking us. It should be guarded at all costs. We should give ourselves in complete abandonment for Him and His Truth. Go all in. Jump Ship. Leave it all behind to follow Jesus. 

Most Blessed Are You Among Women

"When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the infant leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth, filled with the holy Spirit, cried out in a loud voice and said, “Most blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb.”"

~Luke 1:41-42~

"Most blessed are you among women..." It occurred to me recently how truly mouth dropping this verse is. A lot of wisdom and knowledge can be gleaned from these few words when you take the time to consider the life both the Blessed Mother and Jesus lived. I think of her and I know well that she was the mother to our Lord Jesus. However, personally, I don't often think of her as a mom. A mom who had her baby in her womb those many trying months, a mom who gave birth to her child (and in a lowly and humble manger), a mom who nursed and swaddled and cared for her child, a mom who taught and helped her child to grow, a mom who cared for her child when he was sick...a mom. This is the mom who was told by Simeon:

"Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, “Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be contradicted and you yourself a sword will pierce so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed.”"

~Luke 2:34-35~

To the woman whom Elizabeth proclaimed through the Holy Spirit to be the most blessed is also the woman whom Simeon prophesied that a sword will pierce her, and indeed we know this to be true. This most blessed woman endured the pain of watching her son be crucified on the cross. Can you imagine? I can't. It sounds horrible. I love Jesus, He is my Lord and Savior, and it brings me pain to consider his final hours. Yet add to that the pain of watching your only child suffer in such a cruel way, though innocent and Holy.

Standing by the cross of Jesus were his mother and his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary of Magdala. 

~John 19:25~

I am sure that she felt the pain of her son at the deepest of levels. When one of my children simply scrape a knee or bite their tongue, my heart aches for them. When one of my children are neglected and left out at the playground, I am deeply saddened, filled with heartache and even anger at the other children hurting my child. Mary witnessed the rejection of her Son, culminating in His death, and I know that she felt this in the depths of her heart. A pain so deep and real. Yet she is regarded as the most blessed among women. Mary is the most blessed for many reasons. She was the mother of Jesus, she said yes to God, she trusted Him fully even through uncertainty and pain. There is another reason as well. Jesus tells us of this during His Sermon on the Mount. She isn't the most blessed in spite of all of her suffering, but because of all her suffering.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they will inherit the land.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they will be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the clean of heart,

for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you falsely because of me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven. Thus they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

~Matthew 5:3-12~

This is true for us as well. When we endure these sufferings, we are united with Jesus and Mary, as well as all the Saints. So often we consider suffering to be a bad thing, certainly the world considers it this way and has used this mindset to justify the abortion of countless babies, physician-assisted suicide, suicide, and so many other evils all to avoid the cost of suffering. Additionally, this mindset can get us into trouble as it often leads to depression and self-pity when we feel as though we've been dealt a bad hand, or when in an attempt to avoid suffering we turn away from Gods Will for us, disconnect ourselves from others, or from the Church. Sadly, this lie is a very nasty one. We avoid suffering thinking it to be wise when in reality we are avoiding blessing and life. God's ways are sure mysterious, I know! Let's be like Mary, like Jesus, and like the saints who have gone before us who say YES to God and to suffering, all for the sake of the kingdom and the salvation of souls.

Trust

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence do not rely; In all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths."

~Proverbs 3:5~

My sister shared this verse with me today and boy has it been helpful. Sometimes the Lords timing doesn't make sense, sometimes we aren't sure where He's leading us, what we should do, how we should respond in certain situations, and the list goes on. But it doesn't matter. Trust Him. We aren't supposed to use our intellect to make sense of His ways. 

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways-oracle of the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

~Isaiah 55:8-9~

If understanding and intelligence were highly favored in the eyes of the Lord, then of what purpose would faith be? For faith is built upon what is invisible to our earthly eyes and understanding; and only through faith can we perceive, or at least trust and have hope in, the will of God (Hebrews 11). 

I've been asking God what He would like from me during this upcoming lent. Of course He is faithful and willing to respond.  Trust Him. Have faith. Stay in the present.

In other news, the past few weeks have consisted of COLD. And SNOW. Lots and lots of snow. We've been sick with colds, and the temps outside have been unbearably cold, and we've had snow storm after snow storm. So runny noses, Kleenex, and cough drops have been our close companions lately. But hey, if we have to be stuck inside due to sicknesses, it might as well be while we are stuck inside anyway due to snowy and cold conditions outside. 

Because I can't resist taking pictures of beautiful sunsets.

Most every evening there's a lovely sunset to behold, I tell Teá, "Oh my, look at that beautiful sunset Teá! And there's pink in it, just for you!" She always responds, "Oh, it's so pretty, that's such a pretty sunset!" It's become a ritual of sorts and it is even better when she's the one to point it out to me. 

The snow is DEEP and poor Jason has shoveled and shoveled and shoveled this winter. You wouldn't know it though as it continues to just pile right back up. Teá loves it though!